An Ox and a Cow and a Goat

Twenty pirates sat in a boat

Along with an Ox and a Cow and a Goat.

Goat was quite a scholarly fellow.

Ox’s teeth were cracked and yellow.

Cow was plump and round and fat.

The pirates plotted where they sat.

“Let’s cook the Cow, she looks tasty,

That old Goat is pale and pasty,

As for the Ox, he looks the worst,

We’ll eat him last, but Fatty first.”

Goat thought very hard that day,

Deciding they should get away.

“Hey Ox,” he muttered, “Can you swim?”

“Why, yes!” the Ox replied to him.

“Let’s escape then, you and me

Cow will be just fine, you’ll see!”

Ox replied he would not go

And leave their friend behind, alone.

“We’re losing time, you stubborn Ox!

It will be our necks in the docks…

Fine, we’ll bring along the Cow,

I only wish that I knew how…”

As pirates sharpened up their knives

There came a mooing from behind.

Cow was swimming, out the boat;

Beckoning to the old Goat.

“Up on my back now, and be quick!

Staying would be very thick.”

For land the animals then set,

(Goat trying not to get wet)

“We got you out!” the Goat then cheered,

But Cow had never really feared:

“Pirates couldn’t be my end.

Don’t you understand my friend?

It wasn’t me afraid of water,

Thinking life was getting shorter.

I can swim; Ox can too,

We we’re trying to rescue you!”

© Ben Cotton


The Crocodile


One day there was a crocodile in my loo

I wasn’t sure what to do;

Call the police or fire brigade?

I told it to go, but it stayed.


One day there was a crocodile in my loo

It looked as if it had the flu.

I know that I could never go

With Crocodile down below.


One day there was a crocodile in my loo

My brother thought it wasn’t true.

I wish this crocodile would leave

Then I’d feel most relieved.


One day there was a crocodile in my loo

No longer one, now there were two!

Or was it a fish? Or was it an eel?

I wasn’t sure how to feel.


One day the crocodile was gone!

I asked my Mum what she had done.

She said she’d pulled the lever down;

The toilet smells much nicer now.


© Ben Cotton

The Snowmobile of Joe MacNeil

Image result for snowmobile cartoon

The snowmobile of Joe MacNeil

Skidded into town,

The snows were yet to come

But Autumn leaves were turning brown.

The roaring of the engine

Could be heard by every ear,

You know the deal with Joe MacNeal

And that’s nothing to fear.

Joe shut off the engine

With a shudder and a BANG;

A sure summoning signal

To his snowmobile gang.

First out was Big Tim,

Who could not be matched in strength.

But Tim was often far away;

On Tim’s own wave length.

Next was Charlie Caulker

Who was known as a great talker.

He could talk your ears off

Could chatty Charlie Caulker.

Right upon his heels there sprung

Marriot O’Moulder,

You knew just who it was

From the parrot on his shoulder.

Last out onto the street

There stumbled Sergeant Strain

He wasn’t very fit

But he had a large brain.

They gathered around Joe

To adore and to admire,

He stood robust before them

Them his subjects; him their sire.

Not one of them possessed

A single handlebar or wheel,

But Joe would often let them ride

That awesome snowmobile.

Then he’d drive away

With his gang all running after,

They never could keep up

Each one breathless with his laughter.

Autumn turned to Winter

Bringing whiteness to the ground.

The gang watched out their windows

For Joe skidding into town.

They waited before breakfast

And they waited after brunch,

They waited until dinnertime

Forgetting to eat lunch.

Not a single sound

Could be heard upon the snow

Where was that snowmobile?

And where was noble Joe?

Charlie Caulker (the best talker)

Got the whole gang talking.

“Snowmobile Joe would never

Through the snow be walking!

He only ever travels on his

Trusty snowmobile,

Something must be wrong with it,

Or wrong with old MacNeil!”

“I think,” said Sergeant Strain

“We must devise a plan,

To go out through the snow

To rescue old Joe if we can.”

So they plotted all together

What they were going to do,

Then went out to the scrapyard

With some blueprints and some glue.

Now Big Tim was a bit dim,

But they needed him now,

To haul the bits of scrap out

So they could build their plough.

Marriot O’Moulder

Sent the parrot on his shoulder

On the longest ever search

As it grew ever colder.

It came back to their den

With a shuffle and a squawk,

“Little Joe, little Joe!”

Said the parrot who could talk.

“Your parrot’s gone and found him!”

Exclaimed Charlie with a cheer,

“Come on, let’s go rescue him,

And bring him back here.”

Tim pushed the plough

That was made from bits of bin;

While Charlie and the Sergeant

Held up a roof of tin.

Marriot’s parrot

Lead the crew on their way,

And Marriot yelled “LEFT!” or “RIGHT!”

So Tim didn’t stray.

And on through the snow

The boys trudged in a huddle,

On through the fields

Through the rain and the puddles.

At last when they each

Were about to lose hope,

They saw a small light

At the top of a slope.

“It’s Joe, he’s alive!”

Shouted Charlie the talker

As Joe wandered over

Like a sleepy sleepwalker.

“Hey boys… What you doing?”

Joe scratched at his head.

“We’ve come to your rescue!”

As one the boys said.

“Come in then!” said Joe,

And he led them inside,

Where they were warmed up

And fed eggs that were fried.

They asked him what happened

To his super machine?

And he told them the truth

About where he had been.

“My poor rusty snowmobile

Can’t really go

When all of the ground here

Is covered in snow.

It works best in Autumn

Or Spring or the Summer,

With snow it don’t work

Which I know is a bummer.”

The boys were surprised

At this shock revelation.

Their mission had received

A swift termination.

But Tim turned around

And with fervor and zeal

Said “We made a road

For you Old Joe MacNeil.”

“Hey crackers, he’s right!”

There’s a path through the snow!”

Said Charlie as Marriot

Pointed to show.

Their plough had made tracks

That had left the way clear,

Should one have a defective

Snowmobile here.

So all through that day

(After having a meal)

They drove on the snowmobile

Of Joe MacNeil.

© Ben Cotton



Smog the Grump

Image result for rain cloud

There once was a black rain cloud

Who hovered in the sky

His name was Smog the grump

And it was no wonder why

He didn’t like blue skies

And he didn’t like ice cream

He hated barbecues

And the picnics on the green

And whenever he hated

He’d pour forth angry rain

The people told him “Go away!

And don’t come back again!”

He was a lonely rain cloud

And miserably he moped

“Maybe I’ll just go away

Since with me none can cope”

A tiny little flower

On a field far below

Heard the moping rain cloud

And could not let him go

She mustered up her strength and said

As loudly as she could:

“No, little black rain cloud!

Your rain to us is good!

We need the precious water

That you alone provide

If you leave forever

We will all wither and die!”

But Smog the grump was grumpy

And sad and sour and cross

But the flower prattled on

As if it was his blooming boss

“You cannot leave us Smog

Your rain can make us grow

The other clouds don’t water us

Please, oh please don’t go!”

Rather though than sooth him

The flower’d made it worse

Now he was so angry

That Smog was set to burst

“You foolish little flower!

You’ve now brought forth my wrath!

I will rain upon you

Turn your land into a trough

Your picnics will be ruined!

Your barbecues snuffed out

I will not relent from rain

Even if you shout!”

The flower celebrated

As water Smog did dump

And every tree and plant for miles

Cheered for Smog the grump

© Ben Cotton



Pirates Vs Dragons II

Captain sat upon a dragon

Staring at the view

He missed his pirate ship;

And the ocean waves of blue

Since they and the dragons

Had become partners in crime

They had flown upon their friends

Leaving pirate ships behind

But now he’d had enough

“Dragon! Stop ri’ where ye are!

Drop me ‘n’ me crew off

‘N’ be careful wi’ ye fire!”

The dragons were obliged

To follow Captain’s orders

Many were fed up

Of being used just as transporters

“Why’d we ferry these

Muppets around anyway?”

Said one to another

As they flew through the day

“We can breathe out flame

And we’re bigger and can fly,

We shouldn’t be slaves

For them to rule on high!”

The dragons then met up

For a little heart to heart

While the pirates talked together

Whether they should depart

“Don’t ye miss the waves?”

Captain said with a roar

“‘N’ walkin’ the plank?

‘N’ scrubbin’ up the floor?”

“YEA!” said the crew “wait…”

“Tha’s settled then!”

Captain rubbed his hands

And spread his toothy grin

“To the ships!”

“Where’s the ships?”

“To the sea!

We will go.

And reclaim out ‘eritage

With a yo ho ho!”

The dragons meanwhile

Were in a fierce debate

“We should crisp ’em all!”

Shouted out one called Snake

Now unlike the pirates

The dragons had no chief

Democracy was king

But it didn’t bring relief

This time they were cowed

By the loudest, brashest voice

They were intimidated

Into making a bad choice

They went along with Snake

Who caused them the most grief

And just like that

A villain became chief

The pirates on the beach

Were about to hitch a lift

When behind them came a hundred wings

Strong and fierce and swift

“ATTACK!” shouted Snake

And the dragons all obeyed

Grabbing pirates in their talons

Turning sunlight into shade

“Aha!” cried the Captain,

“So ye wan’ another battle!

We’ll slay yer one an’ all

Yer great fire-spewing cattle!”

They clashed on the beach

With sword and tooth and claw

Some pirates escaped

To the ship near the shore

As one dragon grappled

With his former pirate friend

They collapsed into the ocean

Never to be seen again

They’d secretly decided

To flee away together

They were brothers in arms

They were birds of a feather

T’was a silly thing

T’was a nonsense fight

They could battle real enemies

Through day and through night

They weren’t the only pair

Who abandoned the brawl

Everyone but Snake and Captain

Had soon left the scrawl

Fire snorted out

Of Snake’s venomous mouth

The pirate dived in sand dunes

And dodged and reeled about

Finally Snake lunged;

Pinned his foe to the floor

He grinned a sly grin

And he lifted up his claw

The Captain dangled like a mouse

Above the razor teeth

He desperately grabbed hold

Of a fang from beneath

And with a mighty CRACK!

The fang had broken loose

Captain threw the thing inside;

And Snake swallowed his tooth

Snake, enraged and choking,

Vanished from the scene

Captain was left alone

With the ship, the crew, the sea.

© Ben Cotton

April Fool

April Fools Report

In the month of April

I endeavor to be cool

I must this year try not to be

The annual April Fool

I slip on my sunglasses

And I wear the hipster garb

I feel like a trend setter

With my necklace of rhubarb

I use the slangest vocab

Like “Rachet” and “Norm Core”

But secretly I wonder

What on earth these words are for

I get a lot of laughs

When I’m ‘chillin’ with the kids

They say I’m “off the hook” and should

Redecorate my digs

I fill my home with things

Trying to impress the peeps

Even though a lot of it

Is giving me the creeps

I get the latest info

From my social network news

I’m working on my balance

Wearing awkward platform shoes

I’ve put a lot of effort in

Trying to be cool

But in my heart of hearts I feel

Like I’m the April Fool

© Ben Cotton

A Piece of Cake

Do I want a piece of cake?

Hold on, let me think.

Is grass the colour green?

And is orange juice a drink?

Are houses made of bricks?

Do lampposts light the road?

Do tadpoles become frogs?

And do fireworks explode?

Is gravity a force

That keeps us all on earth?

Do babies form inside their mothers

Before given birth?

Are we revolving round the sun

At 19 miles per second?

Yes, I tell you, Yes, YES!

(or so that it is reckoned)

Just let me have some cake

Before I am reminded

My maths homework isn’t done

The numbers undivided

Do I want to do it?

Well, is gravity a frog?

Are fireworks invisible?

Is orange juice a dog?

Are elephants pocket-sized?

Is rain tomato soup?

Is my house a marshmallow?

Is a straight line a loop?

Is oxygen an animal?

Do stars come from a tube?

Do humans have 100 eyes?

And is the world a cube?

No, I tell you, No, NO!

My head I shake and shake

Because you’re saying my maths homework

Is a piece of cake.

© Ben Cotton